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Letting Go – 3

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i did not feel he’s gone just yet, I cant believe it, although i was preparing myself for this day to come , call me crazy but i thought of it every single day ! I asked myself million question about this, funeral details, where its gonna b, who’s coming n many others

But the surprising thing today is the way I’m digesting this !

I cant say ” allah yer7umah ” or hear them calling him ” el mar7om ” bcoz i dnt feel he is one ! I dnt feel he’s gone, or let me say passed away n now not being considered alive !

sometimes i felt him talking to me, asking me yy r u crying baba ? what’s wrong with u ? please dnt be sad ! B strong for ur mammy ! it’s like a full conversation going on in my head, i can see his face expressions ! his look his touch ! kil shy i can feel it

is this denial or what ?

I never ever thought i will be asking myself this question but am i ever gonna believe this ?

weird thing about me is that am normally active ! I can go to jam3iya bring stuff for home, went to get some black clothing from avenues n did visit a friend !! why am i acting normal ? could it be bcoz am not believing this yet ? am acting like i have always been acting with him here ?!

Ya rabbi 5afif 3alena ! This is so heavy to be digested !


2 responses »

  1. I’m Really sorry to say that yes you are in complete denial, and the proof is that you are writing about it on your blog!! Eventhough your father passed away JUST a week ago. Normally people in your shoes doesn’t even want to see a glimse of the outside world, and wish that life would stop any minute.

    You have the choice of how long you are going to keep pretending that everything is fine now, but honey one day you will have to face this harsh reality. we all go through the same situation you’re going through right now, but it just differs from one person to another, and from these sutuations we learn how powerless we really are infront of God, and how meaningless life is, and that life is merely a bridge to take us to go to the other side, the side that God wants us all to end up in.

    God be with you, and i really hope Allah yi5afif 3alikom yarab
    And now all you have to do is pray to meet your father up in heaven. Always keep this thought in mind: “my father is in the safest place ever, and with God.”

    Though I must say you still haven’t let go and i hope the previous thought would help you in moving forward in life.

    • I know i am in Denial, but it does not feel like one , or maybe i dnt know what do i feel like ! or its more like that i understand this ugly truth day by day bs very slowly like a an IV drip ! n i just dont know how long is this gonna last or how harsh would it be whn i finally wakes up !

      two days ago my uncle called me n he says ” Toona u know kil shy fi hal dinya yabdi 9’3er w yikbar 2ila shy wa7id ,, el mo9eba ,, tabdi kibera w ti9’3ar w hatha mn ra7mt allah fena ,, ” I thought No this is not the case with me, every day passes by i feel like am realizing this more n my ” mo9eba ” will then stats to grow bigger !


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