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Letting Go – 1

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22 July 2010 , My Father Passed away 

I Was staring at this blank page trying to figure out what to write ?  

I donno what happened ? 2 years n 3 months back He got Cancer, I know Cancer is a big deal bs everyone says its curable ! He had colon cancer stage 4 that spread to the bones , especially his hips bones ! 

First it started when he was complaining of pain in his legs ! I remember that very well, it was Winter 2008 it was soo cold n he turned soo sick ! Sever Pain in his legs he couldn’t walk a feet ! We started looking for a Doctor to See what exactly was wrong ? We went to many many many doctors n known of them were able to find out, all they came up with is ” 3a9ab ” n something else called ” 3irg il nissa ” ! Which apparently is very common in the Winter, we went to many physical therapist n he had many session, i remember I used to take him in that coldness of December to Dar il Shifa Hospital w we go to the basement to The physical therapy clinic ! Later on They found out through a bone scan that he has cancer , bones cancer , which was spread through somewhr else ! it was the time they finally were investigating every cell in his body to FINALLY found out through a colon endoscopy that he has Colon cancer ! 

I knew something wrong was going on ! i knew i was serious But at first i was trying to escape the truth ! I started to go out more often n most likely i was ignoring the fact that i will go back home to my sick father ! 

U see i have a special relationship with my father, ygolon ana dalo3ta , am the youngest daughter , actually we’re only 2 boys n 2 gurls bs madre 7tta ana i feel am special to him ! as he is special to me ! 

I have always always always had the thought of losing him, only the thought was enough to freak the hell out of me ! how about now that he’s sick ! n i know Cancer is not Easy ! 

We went through kil shy ,, sifar 3ilaj bil 5arj 7 months till here makki yim3a w badriya il a7md !! w am sure in this part of the world u know what am talking abt whn i mention these hospitals names n other things ! 

He went through Chemo Sessions, Radio therapy , 3ilaj sha3bi !! kil shy !!! w ma fad shy 

the thing that was heart breaking is the amount of pain he exert ! He was always in pain, i know colon Cancer is not that painful but what he was complaining of is the bones cancer ! especially his Legs, he couldnt walk properly ! on Wheel chair n So on 

Until the 23rd of May 2010, it was the last time he was admitted into the hospital ( Badriya Al -Ahmad ) … n He never get the chance to get out of it ! 

Never thought he would go n leave me so quickly , Last Monday He was sleeping n i was waiting for his Doc to come. She came in hold his hands so gently n Said ” Mr.B How are you ? ” He Answered ” t3baaaaaaaaan ” That was the one answer he used lately for every thing .. After talking about the amount of pain killers he should receive , She Asked me to go out of the room n talk to her privately .. ! I Kissed his Hands n Said : ” Baba i will come back so soon ”  Dr. D was holding his file n then looked at me n smiled ” Sho ismk ? ” I replied ” Toona ” Then She took off her glasses n said ” Toona, sho bt3rfi 3n 7alt il baba ? ” I Said ” I know enough ” She Replied ” So , i will tell you one thing, we all know that il a3mar biyad allah bs we can still expect the time left for a patient medically, now your father’s case is getting worse , am gonna say by the week so that means we have months left ” I replied with a smile on me face trying to hide my tears ” Yeah Sure , ” So She said ” Maybe he wont be able to make it until the end of the month, what we can do in this case is emotional n spiritual support for the patient . ” I Looked at her with the fake smile of my face ” Yeah sure, i will Support him ” n Then I thanked her n Go back into his room. He was half a sleep so when i walked in he opened his eyes , saw me with the tear in my eye n said one word only ” T3baaan ” I kissed him n Said ” I know baba i know 7abebi ” Then he went back to sleep. I had a blank thought, i donno how did i made it till the end of the day but i did, my sister msged me , telling that she’s coming tomorrow n i could not keep what the doctor just told me so I told her, after a while of texting she called me crying n asking for more information I answered her , i calm her down n I told her ” Zayoon, Whether it’s today tomorrow or next week, we are gonna adjust n digest it the same way, the only person would feel the difference in time is HIM ! , For his sake b strong n we should b there n prepare ourselves for letting go ! ” 

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8 responses »

  1. الله يرحمة او يرحم كل موتى المسلمين إنشاء الله

    Reply
  2. allah yer7ama we’3ammed ro7a eljanna ameeen ya rb!!!

    be strong 7yatiii :** I know u’re too young to go on with ur life without ur daddy bs this is life and it’s very cruel! we hv to learn how to move on with all the cruelty in it!!!

    bossili mamatech :*

    Reply
    • swera 7yati ma tga9ren ,, rabbi yir7uma w yir7m mamatich ;*

      One thing i know is that i will walk in that shoes someday ! never thought too soon ! Bs shinsawi hatha eli rabi katba w hatha yooma ,, if i learned something in this life , its that everything is Doable ! it just need us time

      Reply
  3. allah yr7maa oo ey`3amed ro7aa el janaah , Oo allah ey9abrkom …

    Reply
  4. toona im so so so very sorry for ur loss! im in shock after i read the comment…i havent read the blog..i would have loved to support u..this post made my eyes tear..allah ya9birkum wyimsa7 3ala gloobkuuum..o yir7uma ibra7mita o inshallah mathwa iljannaaa ya raab 7abeebty..hathi 7ikmat allah..He takes those most precious to us..ur father suffered winshallah ykoon irta7 min hal marath il7eeen..he had cancer someting my father went thru but not as long as ur father..colon cancer is ra7ma min rabich..bcoz he died from something in his stomach..winshallah shaheeeeeeeed golai ameeeen…bad3eeeela ina ykoon shaheeed..because after all his suffering the past years 7a9al ajir wayid..hes luckier than my mom and my dad..we r the unlucky ones left behind..sad for the deaths of those who left us..i hope u find ilra7a thinking maybe inshallah inshallah inshallah ur father will be in heaven yraaaaaaab..im really praying for that..i wanted to send u an email..but it doesnt show..so if u want anything anythiiiiing dont hesitate to contact me..i know ur not imga9ra bs ur father depends on u and ur sister and brothers to pray for him and do good in his name, whatever small thing u do will help him a great deal..allah y3eenkum wiy9abirkum wiyur7uma

    Reply
    • Dear The Boudoir,
      Thanx a million for ur heartfelt condolences, it mean alot for me that i get those supportive sweet comment from ppl i knw they have felt my pain, bcoz we, am not gonna say orphans id rather say parent-less, we know what does it feel n no matter how much other ppl say they feel it they wont unless they walk in that shoe la sama7 allah. I know daddy has been through alot n was suffering alot n i really have faith that he went to a better place but i feel that sometimes am selfish ! Im selfish wanting him to be around even though i know he’s suffering. After watching him the last week been through the worse, having difficulties even in breathing n never ate anything for more than two weeks, i had a believe that i love him more than myself n my selfishness n i want him to rest in peace, I love him so much that i was suffering watching him suffer ! I had fights with all doctors in the hospital who refused to do anything to help him, I was asking for mercy ! any thing that will help him at least sleep ! they did take an action until the very last day ! they have put some drops in his mouth that helped him rest n relaxed ! after watching him sleeping i came close by, hold his hands n kissed it so gently, he was sleeping very calmly ! Never saw him this way since a very long time !
      I have Faith that good ppl will go to heaven, my dad ur parents n many others will meet there ! I know he was a good person, good father , good son, good husband, good employee ! never cheated, never lied. I grow up wishing that one day god will send me some1 just like him ! They may all rest in peace w rabbi yir7amhom ib ra7mita il was3a, w as he always taught me to say ” el 7md lilah 2alathi la yo7md 3la makroh siwah ” 🙂

      I will try to send u my email on ur blog, i hope u will get it n if ever u needed anything plz dont hesitate to contact me, n i will do the same as well 😉 ! Glad to have ur lovely support ;*

      Reply

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